


Counting Stars

by sstwinz



Category: Total Drama
Genre: F/M, One Shot, Sad, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 02:38:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13848324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sstwinz/pseuds/sstwinz
Summary: Courtney has messed up, and she knows it. Without a single person to confide in, she turns to the only things that might comfort her, the stars.The Duncney in this story is a little subtle, but it's there!Originally written in 2015!





	Counting Stars

_ 1, being betrayed. 2, not having any friends. 3, not being able to make any new friends… _

Courtney lay with her back on the cool grass of a hill, looking up at the sky. She was counting the stars. It had become a habit, kind of like meditation. She did it every night now. Every star that she counted represented a worry, fear, or sadness that she held. The goal was to count up as many as she could, then count back down, thus letting the fears go. She used the stars because they were unlimited, so no matter how many things she had to count, there would always be enough. It was, in a way, relaxing. But it was sad too, because in order to let the things go, you needed to re-surface them from where you had them hidden. She often ended up in tears by the end. And just because you numbered the pain didn’t mean it would go away. 

_ …6, not winning. 7, winning. 8, going back into the cabin. 9, seeing both of them every day… _

The numbers varied every night. Sometimes she’d only say 2 or 3, then go back inside. Other times she would lie there for hours, counting until the sky began to lighten and the stars faded. It all felt the same though. Out there on her hill, time didn’t mean anything. She would count until she was ready to stop, and that suited her.

_ …17, I made him leave me. 18, I shouldn’t have come back. 19, people hate me because they think I’m annoying… _

Her thoughts were usually disorganized like this; jumping from one thing to the next, then back again to a variation of the first thing. She liked it. It was a welcome bit of chaos in her usually very organized lifestyle.

_ …24, I’ll be really behind everyone when I get back to school. 25, I won’t get into my dream college. 26, my life will become a failure. 27, my life is a failure already… _

She had to stop on that one. Tears welled up in her eyes. This one thought summed up all of her other negative thoughts about herself. Her life was a failure. The more she thought about it, the more true it seemed. She hadn’t made any real friends yet on the show, and had lost all of her friends back at home. She had no significant other. She had yet to win a single season of Total Drama, even though she had been trying her hardest. And she had so many enemies that she couldn’t even count them all. She realized that counting the stars didn’t really help her get rid of the pain she was feeling; it just allowed her to bury it deeper inside of herself where it would re-surface tomorrow. It always did. Still, she forced herself to take a deep breath and go through the motions. She began counting back down, letting out a deep breath with each number and trying to imagine the thought drifting away from her.

_ 27, 26, 25, 24… _

It wasn’t working. She tried to deepen her focus.

_ …23, 22, 21, 20… _

She imagined the star that she had counted for that number winking out as she let out her breath.

_ …19, 18, 17, 16… _

She tried to deepen her breaths even more, like if she could only let out a deep enough breath, all of the answers would come to her.

_ …15, 14, 13, 12… _

She still wasn’t letting go of the thoughts. She squeezed her eyes shut and tired harder.

_ …11, 10, 9, 8… _

The thoughts were still chasing themselves around inside of her head. Why wouldn’t they go away? She was trying so hard!

_ …7, 6, 5, 4… _

She finally gave up, exasperated. She simply counted the numbers, feeling no attachment to them.

_ …3, 2… _

She was almost done now.

_ …1 _

As she let out the final breath, she felt a tiny fluttering around her stomach, almost like something was starting to detach itself. Excited, she started focusing harder, but after a few seconds it just fell weakly back inside. Instead of being annoyed, though, she was thrilled. Something had finally happened! Maybe tomorrow, she’d be able to let go of one thing. The next day, two, working her way up to the most important one, the fact that her life was a failure. And once she let that go, maybe she’d be able to start really living again. Pulling herself up from the grass, Courtney started heading back inside the cabin with a slight smile on her face. For once, she couldn’t wait until tomorrow.


End file.
